How to be famous in India: 101

India is a huge country. Over 1.3 bn ppl, 360 mn Gods, and then trillions of animals, trees, mountains, rivers and anything else that you could or could not see which we revere and treat as Gods. So it is highly unlikely that you as an individual would ever make a mark. But the code to fame in this vast galaxy of a country has been successfully broken. It is now really easy to be famous in India, just with a little help of religion.

India is a religious country. We people can walk religion, talk religion and eat religion. And by adding a pinch of Western ideal of “freedom of speech” we have successfully found a potent mix that can be your shot to fame.

So here’s what one needs to do. Firstly get yourself registered in some right-wing, Hindu nationalist organization. If you can’t find any in your locality, don’t worry. Just wait for the Valentine’s Day next year and take your bf/gf to a famous park. These groups will themselves find you. Just be prepared to get married; small price to pay for fame though.

Next up you must join this organization and take up the work. Now if you've played any Grand Theft Auto game, you will love them. Because that’s more or less what these organizations do. Depending on the amount of damage you cause to people who do not adhere to the definition of Hindu culture  as defined by your organization you would be given promotions. There are a range of activities to choose from, you could target some author who has criticized Hindu culture, make family planning statements for Hindu women, target some entertainment channel or just blame women after a rape incident has shook the country. The frequent ideas like banning foreign languages, western education being sinful etc would serve as fillers in between.

There are also subtler ways to gain prominence. Perhaps talk about some real problems faced by the society, policy interventions that could be done to achieve better living standards for the people etc. But seriously, subtle ways only lead to modest outcomes. To sell fish in a fish market, you don't need the best fish; you need the loudest voice. So buckle up. Be ready for a social media onslaught by the "misguided" youth of the nation. You need to counter them by having a social media team of your own. Ask them to make fake accounts to follow you on twitter and join your fan club on Facebook. For every hashtag criticizing you, there must be two resonating your views.

And now the time has come for the trump card, the communal card. Make up a historical version of events that is more dramatic than scientific and use it to prop up your popularity ratings. It would be fine if all evidence is against your theory. Statements come in bold on the front pages, reality comes in common font in the inner pages. So never mind the truth. Truth is a state of mind, some might argue. Hence it is totally alterable.

And then don't forget the news channel debates. They are the prime time entertainment of the nation. Do a course on public yelling before you attend any of these shows. And by heart a few fancy terms like "ghar wapsi", "love jihad", women empowerment etc. Wait, not women empowerment, that one's already been taken and copyrighted. Something new and fancy. Don't expect suggestions from me now. If I had any idea, I'd already have been famous.